Blog 391: Titans Will Clash

We saw Solomon Kane a while ago, and I thought it was turgid enough not to mention it at all. Before that film, we saw a trailer for Clash of the Titans with the extremely imaginative tag-line titans will clash.

Naturally, we desired to see this. Well, I did. Jack did. DS was “studying”. What do you mean, I should have been studying too? I don’t understand this. My first exam isn’t until the 27th!

Minor spoilers may ensue. But since it’s a Greek myth, you probably already know how it ends… Or something. According to wikipedia, it’s actually nothing at all like the original myth.

Also, we went to see it in 2D you bastards.

It being a Thursday mid-afternoon, we didn’t even consider the prospect that the cinema might be busy. Full of children, no less. Despite this, we managed to get reasonable seats anyway.

Clash of the Titans is actually an old film and this was a re-make, but I didn’t know this until I saw enough plot elements to unlock that strange treasure chest of memories — an ancient film I can only have seen when I was less than five, but enough images survive (right down to the three witches fighting over one eye, that clockwork owl that appears as a cameo, and stop-motion animated Kraken) to make it match up. Of course we know by standard meta-gaming that the hero will win and get the girl and live happily ever after, but I managed to predict the broad strokes of it in my head. This feat of memory frightens me somewhat.

Basically, the gods are gigantic bitches and men are fed up of this, so the people of Argos stop dropping parcels onto the celestial conveyor belt from the warehouse and tear down statues (despite this, I noticed a very god-like statue in the kingy’s palace; wouldn’t they have cleared out the statues all around the city before pulling the big secluded ones down?) and set fire to temples and generally make nuisances of themselves. Cue gods getting a bit pissed and threatening divine wrath. Cue Perseus tearing shit up and being awesome.

The film has left me even more convinced that I want Sam Worthington (the only convincing part of Terminator IV: Salvation (apart from the strong heart stuff)), who played Perseus, to be the face of Henrik when When the Freedom Slips Away, This Wreckage and Shattered by Light become a real game and its expansion pack(s). I had better get started on that before he gets old, I suppose. He’s got a good face for a warrior type like Henrik. Because even though Henrik remains faceless in all portrayals thus far, you can’t have a fantasy action-RPG without the ability to swap helmets, so without resorting to a default helmet (that would be a disaster) one must make allowances for an actual face. I won’t pull a Mass Effect Tali on you, if that’s what you’re worried about.

Imagine the bastard child of Deus Ex, Morrowind and Baldur’s Gate; that’s where I want to go, mechanics-wise. Maybe 1/2 DX to 1/4 the others. But I digress.

It was pretty daft, deliciously light-weight and I rather enjoyed it. Plenty of yarn and very little messing about, nobody turning emo and falling off, lots of bloom, arbitrary giant scorpions, a nice Kraken, the by now bog-standard from Lord of the Rings but still quite pleasing cities stacked up overly-steep valleys… Lots of good banter, the obligatory “now let’s kill this bitch”… Ticked all the boxes. Male interest was somewhat lacking, but we’ll take giant scorpions instead. I am not sexist I am not sexist I– oh poo.

One must note that during the film, no titans clash at all; the titans were there before the Greek pantheon tore shit up and took over. Yes, Perseus kills the bad guys and doesn’t afraid of anything, so he could be considered a little bit titanic, and those scorpions were pretty large… You know what I mean. The point is that the original tag-line was completely wrong (as well as being somewhat dodgy in itself).

Finally, Liam Neeson (Zeus, with his armour smothered in bloom) is Qui-Gon Jinn. I never knew that until today; I thought Liam Neeson was somebody else.

3 thoughts on “Blog 391: Titans Will Clash”

  1. Such a terribly average movie. Every character besides the old comic relief man is a huge bitch and not particularly likeable. Which means you don’t really care about the average at best action scenes because it doesn’t really matter who dies because you don’t care about any of them.

    The kraken was the only decent looking monster..but it exists purely as a plot device which is immediately killed by another plot device.

    Also “you did good so have this woman you talked to 2 or maybe 3 times back…apparently shes meant to be your love interest. We were totally building romantic tension in the river styx scene…didn’t you notice?”


  2. Liam Neeson is awesome and shame on you for not knowing. 😡

    Honestly, having just played through God of War 3, I can’t possibly imagine going to see this movie.


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